Tsunami

Mornings like today affect me like a tidal wave, with all the realities of the devastation that my decisions and inaction have incurred. It is like a flood that washes over me, and I find myself spinning and unable to determine which way to turn or what to grasp to stop my being dragged downstream and drowning. Usually, I am able to stay afloat just long enough to get some gasps of air and continue along, tucking my arms and legs in to my body and allowing the mad rush of water to determine my direction and where I will end up.

So much racing through my mind: indecision, anxiety, uncertainty, fear and fear and fear, self-loathing, regrets whose size and severity are enough to hold me under water forever.
But what choices do I have? Continue to be pulled along this seemingly never-ending cascade of my past/present, or break through the tumultuous surface and begin swimming and kicking toward something that can pull me out?

It is much easier to go with the flow, to drift along and take all the turns and mouths full of water that are so familiar. But with courage, I can fight the fear that has gripped me for so long -- decades, even -- and be confident that I can find a way out.

The courage to get through the fear, to not be defeated, to know that it is going to be the most difficult journey I have ever undertaken, is stark reality. To realize that I am afraid to simply say that I have the courage, but to continue, because, God willing, having and using the courage is the only thing to stop this drowning.

I do not know what is going to happen. I am still afraid, very afraid. But I am going to press on, acknowledge that I am more scared than I have ever been in my life, and press on.
If I do it, and keep doing it consistently, then my mind will catch up. Hopefully, then, I will begin to believe that I am capable of doing it, and I will not only do it, but come to know without question that I can.