A big pile of 'should'

I am really crapping all over myself today. I am beating the hell out of myself for what I have not done in the past few days, how in some areas I am progressing, and in some others I am not. So what do I do? I get myself feeling really down and depressed.

I am "shoulding" all over myself. I should have gotten up earlier; I should have exercised; I should have planned my day, I should have made this or that phone call or sent this or that letter. Frankly, I am sitting underneath a giant pile of "should."

Even now, as I write this, I am feeling depressed just because of how I am writing about myself. But I have to snap myself out of it, just decide that the past is the past, and start right now as if I am starting all over again. Give myself a break. Cut myself some slack. Realize that no one is perfect, and that I cannot expect perfection from myself.

The book, Who Moved My Cheese, is a great help to me. I got a lot of lessons out of it about regrets, fear, and courage. A few weeks ago, I was afraid that if I did not do something immediately, that I would fail miserably, so I acted and acted quickly. But the fear and self-doubt is catching up to me again, and I am beginning to get paralyzed by it. Not good.


I must look at the progress that I have made, and not just what I have not been perfect about.

Later this morning, I met with my mentor, and through discussions with him, I was able to understand that I have been behind the eight ball for a week, and there have been some things that might have landed me there: my wife's ER visit and subsequent doctor visit, the dismissal of an employee and subsequent dealings with the state unemployment board. That, coupled with having to run the business without an assistant, and it is no wonder that I am feeling frazzled.

But he gave me some great advice, told me that everyone is in the same boat, reminded me that I need to keep cutting expenses and increasing revenue, and basically just gave me a pep talk. Not to mention, having his director of HR spend some time with me, telling me how I need to deal with HR problems and laying people off.

Then, today, a very tough negotiation with a client, and how they basically want to rake us over the coals and get a lot for nothing. Very stressful. But, if we can at least keep them, then I feel a lot better.

Anyway, today is a tough day. But I am going to keep plugging away. I want to break past my fears. Remember when I was afraid and I eventually called a client anyway, and got some small bit of headway. That is what I must do now. At all costs. And be positive and upbeat about it.

What is the worst that can happen? Not much. My life is in God's hands, and even if this business fails, what do I have? I have my family, my wife, my daughters, my house, my hands, and my mind. I will survive. Better than that, I will survive and thrive.

Because I know that if I keep digging long enough in that pile of "should," there will be a pony in there somewhere.