On my own?

My spouse, I think, doesn't realize how close I am to giving up, to "losing it," to making today the day that I just admit defeat and allow the government, my creditors, my addiction to food and chemicals, and my own self-worthlessness to overtake me completely and run my life.

Perhaps, as she has said, she has "heard it all before."

That was before "now."

Now, there are no second chances, no rebirth. I cannot do this anymore. There are few ways for me to survive that I can think of. But, perhaps, there are ways?

I don't think she wants to be bothered. I think she is comfortable with failure, and living a life that is less than what we could experience. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe she has the passion for making things different that I possess.

I am asking for help for my business from a former client and from a national consultant. I am asking for help for my spiritual health from my wife (yes, she does provide some) and from acquaintances at church. I am seeking help for my physical symptoms from my doctor. And, perhaps most importantly, I am seeking help and guidance from God.

New ideas for how to change are coming into my head as I pray and calm down. God has given me times that allow me to lower the anxiety level, and think more clearly.

Instead of being angry with my wife over not getting the level of support that I seek from her, I am instead going to understand her frustration, and not ascribe my standards to her.

But wouldn't it be great to have a full-fledged partner in this?