I am taking my life back. For too many years, I have been a slave to what I thought were circumstances beyond my control. Nothing could save me from the hell that was imposed upon me by myself and others. Blaming early hardships and traumas no longer works. Passing off responsibility for current action to my inability to function because of what others had done to me and taught me don't minimize the effects of what I have done that have put me in the middle of the maelstrom that is my life.
For a long time, God sustained me, but that loose attempt at having a supreme being act as my motivator hasn't allowed me to truly grow into being responsible for my life; instead, it placed the responsibility, again, on someone or something else.
But now, in the face of absolute failure, on a scale that I can scarcely comprehend, and in a place where the fear of financial ruin and physical death consume my mind (rightly so), I have found an answer.
The answer is not one that has come lightly. It has come after years of searching, praying, reading, psychologizing, medicating, begging and pleading. It has come in the simple words of Nelson Mandela, who spoke to me through a one-page article in a small magazine, about how he survived 27 years in prison, how he went against all the odds for what he believed in to lead a nation, how he has become one of the world's icons for strength.
He used one word: "courage."
Courage, he said, is not the absence of fear. If anyone knows fear, it is Mandela. Beaten and threatened with death, and with the death of his family, locked away for decades not for something he did, but for what he felt and believe. Having no faith that he would ever live to see freedom.
No, Mandela said, courage is not the absence of fear. It is persevering in spite of the fear. Moving forward and pressing onward while looking fear in the face.
I have found my motivator. No longer do I seek to dispel the fear, thinking that if I did, I would succeed, have peace, and prosper. Now, I have decided to embrace the fear, and press on despite it.
It is working more than I ever thought. Things have changed. I have changed. And, I believe, courage will be my salvation.
Tsunami
Mornings like today affect me like a tidal wave, with all the realities of the devastation that my decisions and inaction have incurred. It is like a flood that washes over me, and I find myself spinning and unable to determine which way to turn or what to grasp to stop my being dragged downstream and drowning. Usually, I am able to stay afloat just long enough to get some gasps of air and continue along, tucking my arms and legs in to my body and allowing the mad rush of water to determine my direction and where I will end up.
So much racing through my mind: indecision, anxiety, uncertainty, fear and fear and fear, self-loathing, regrets whose size and severity are enough to hold me under water forever.
But what choices do I have? Continue to be pulled along this seemingly never-ending cascade of my past/present, or break through the tumultuous surface and begin swimming and kicking toward something that can pull me out?
It is much easier to go with the flow, to drift along and take all the turns and mouths full of water that are so familiar. But with courage, I can fight the fear that has gripped me for so long -- decades, even -- and be confident that I can find a way out.
The courage to get through the fear, to not be defeated, to know that it is going to be the most difficult journey I have ever undertaken, is stark reality. To realize that I am afraid to simply say that I have the courage, but to continue, because, God willing, having and using the courage is the only thing to stop this drowning.
I do not know what is going to happen. I am still afraid, very afraid. But I am going to press on, acknowledge that I am more scared than I have ever been in my life, and press on.
If I do it, and keep doing it consistently, then my mind will catch up. Hopefully, then, I will begin to believe that I am capable of doing it, and I will not only do it, but come to know without question that I can.
So much racing through my mind: indecision, anxiety, uncertainty, fear and fear and fear, self-loathing, regrets whose size and severity are enough to hold me under water forever.
But what choices do I have? Continue to be pulled along this seemingly never-ending cascade of my past/present, or break through the tumultuous surface and begin swimming and kicking toward something that can pull me out?
It is much easier to go with the flow, to drift along and take all the turns and mouths full of water that are so familiar. But with courage, I can fight the fear that has gripped me for so long -- decades, even -- and be confident that I can find a way out.
The courage to get through the fear, to not be defeated, to know that it is going to be the most difficult journey I have ever undertaken, is stark reality. To realize that I am afraid to simply say that I have the courage, but to continue, because, God willing, having and using the courage is the only thing to stop this drowning.
I do not know what is going to happen. I am still afraid, very afraid. But I am going to press on, acknowledge that I am more scared than I have ever been in my life, and press on.
If I do it, and keep doing it consistently, then my mind will catch up. Hopefully, then, I will begin to believe that I am capable of doing it, and I will not only do it, but come to know without question that I can.
Keep it up
Today is difficult, as I have already felt the churnings in my stomach as I began to drift away from the things that I know are important. I had no plan, but instead just went on my normal course, taking things as they come, instead of planning my day to make the most of it. As I began to stress, I digressed and went back to old, destructive behavior. I now have my senses back, and am praying to God that he will guide me through the rest of the day, and provide me with opportunities to have successes today, no matter how small.
I know that the small successes add up. If I don't do the small things today, then I am going to find myself in a day, or two days, or a week, or two months from now, stressing over the fact that I let this time slip away and did not use it to its full potential.
I only have so many hours each day. What I choose to do with those hours is an example of how important I believe they are.
I can push forward and do the things I need to do. I can take positive, concrete steps that might seem like small things now, but are part of the larger picture.
Yes, I am finding things cropping up that are making me very, very nervous about what is going to happen next week and next month. And the one thing I can do is to keep pressing forward, and examine those things when I need to examine them, in the time set aside to examine them. Taking the time now to worry about them does me no good. It does nothing but make me anxious and nervous and lightheaded. Instead, I need to focus on the tasks in front of me, and concentrate on them.
I am going to ask God to please help me to stay focused on those tasks. To help me put them in writing or in a plan format, and work on them diligently and with purpose.
I know that the small successes add up. If I don't do the small things today, then I am going to find myself in a day, or two days, or a week, or two months from now, stressing over the fact that I let this time slip away and did not use it to its full potential.
I only have so many hours each day. What I choose to do with those hours is an example of how important I believe they are.
I can push forward and do the things I need to do. I can take positive, concrete steps that might seem like small things now, but are part of the larger picture.
Yes, I am finding things cropping up that are making me very, very nervous about what is going to happen next week and next month. And the one thing I can do is to keep pressing forward, and examine those things when I need to examine them, in the time set aside to examine them. Taking the time now to worry about them does me no good. It does nothing but make me anxious and nervous and lightheaded. Instead, I need to focus on the tasks in front of me, and concentrate on them.
I am going to ask God to please help me to stay focused on those tasks. To help me put them in writing or in a plan format, and work on them diligently and with purpose.
On my own?
My spouse, I think, doesn't realize how close I am to giving up, to "losing it," to making today the day that I just admit defeat and allow the government, my creditors, my addiction to food and chemicals, and my own self-worthlessness to overtake me completely and run my life.
Perhaps, as she has said, she has "heard it all before."
That was before "now."
Now, there are no second chances, no rebirth. I cannot do this anymore. There are few ways for me to survive that I can think of. But, perhaps, there are ways?
I don't think she wants to be bothered. I think she is comfortable with failure, and living a life that is less than what we could experience. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe she has the passion for making things different that I possess.
I am asking for help for my business from a former client and from a national consultant. I am asking for help for my spiritual health from my wife (yes, she does provide some) and from acquaintances at church. I am seeking help for my physical symptoms from my doctor. And, perhaps most importantly, I am seeking help and guidance from God.
New ideas for how to change are coming into my head as I pray and calm down. God has given me times that allow me to lower the anxiety level, and think more clearly.
Instead of being angry with my wife over not getting the level of support that I seek from her, I am instead going to understand her frustration, and not ascribe my standards to her.
But wouldn't it be great to have a full-fledged partner in this?
Brothers
Met for breakfast with a great guy today, who has been in my boat in his business/financial life. He has filed bankruptcy, is maxed out on credit, has his house mortgaged out several times to the point of no equity, and he and his wife make about one-half of what I make with my spouse.
Yet Craig has an incredibly peaceful nature about him. He has peace. He said so. He is not worried about anything. He works hard, does his best, knows that the future will be uncertain, but he leaves it all in God's hands.
I try for that ideal, but often fall far short. But I do know that God has carried me through some of the tumult of the past 10 years, and if Craig is an example, then I can push my fear aside and continue on. Press on, in spite of the fear. Continue to ask other people for help, and place my trust in God. He has brought me this far; I see no reason why he will let me fail now, if I allow him.
Yet Craig has an incredibly peaceful nature about him. He has peace. He said so. He is not worried about anything. He works hard, does his best, knows that the future will be uncertain, but he leaves it all in God's hands.
I try for that ideal, but often fall far short. But I do know that God has carried me through some of the tumult of the past 10 years, and if Craig is an example, then I can push my fear aside and continue on. Press on, in spite of the fear. Continue to ask other people for help, and place my trust in God. He has brought me this far; I see no reason why he will let me fail now, if I allow him.
Helpless or help-full?
Today is not a good day. I feel really down, especially after sharing some harsh words with my wife last night. Also, my doc gave me a mild sedative so that some of this anxiety is mitigated. But I cannot allow myself to be dragged down today. I must continue to motivate myself, look for and listen to encouraging words, and maintain a positive attitude.
On days like today, it is very easy for me to simply give up and into the feeling of helplessness. As if I have no choice but to take things the way they are right now, and accept that they will forever be that way.
No, that is not the case. I can do anything, be anything. I have the opportunity to change things, starting right now. What happened last night and this morning do not change what can happen in the next minute or the next hour.
I choose right now to be the absolute best that I can be, to manage things with confidence, and to have faith that things are going to turn around, that I am going to prosper and succeed, and that my wildest dreams are going to come true.
This is not going to be easy. It is going to be scary and challenging. But as Mandela said, if I have courage, then I can proceed in spite of those fears. Those fears will be there. They will not go away. But, with the Grace of God, and with God walking beside me, and with my spouse and friends and family with me, and with the personal strength that I know I have, I can bust out of this funk and explode.
Ten years ago, when people used to ask me how I was doing, I used to say, "If I was any better, I would explode."
Can I get that positive attitude back? It is a choice to have that attitude. I can say, "Yes," and incorporate it into my day.
I choose to do that: have a positive attitude and step through the fear.
On days like today, it is very easy for me to simply give up and into the feeling of helplessness. As if I have no choice but to take things the way they are right now, and accept that they will forever be that way.
No, that is not the case. I can do anything, be anything. I have the opportunity to change things, starting right now. What happened last night and this morning do not change what can happen in the next minute or the next hour.
I choose right now to be the absolute best that I can be, to manage things with confidence, and to have faith that things are going to turn around, that I am going to prosper and succeed, and that my wildest dreams are going to come true.
This is not going to be easy. It is going to be scary and challenging. But as Mandela said, if I have courage, then I can proceed in spite of those fears. Those fears will be there. They will not go away. But, with the Grace of God, and with God walking beside me, and with my spouse and friends and family with me, and with the personal strength that I know I have, I can bust out of this funk and explode.
Ten years ago, when people used to ask me how I was doing, I used to say, "If I was any better, I would explode."
Can I get that positive attitude back? It is a choice to have that attitude. I can say, "Yes," and incorporate it into my day.
I choose to do that: have a positive attitude and step through the fear.
Courage is the building block
I just read that Winston Churchill said that courage is the basis for all other desirable traits. Actually, what he said was, "Courage is rightly considered the foremost of the virtues because upon it, all others depend."
I think in my case, it is the basis for what so much else is depending, and which I need to keep focusing.
Because of the courage I have been utilizing this week, I have made some great strides. But, I am already getting complacent. I have not been on the blog in a few days, and my remembering to be courageous is waining. I wish that I could tattoo the word "courage" backwards across my forehead, so that I see it each time that I look in a mirror.
But daily reflection and keeping my mind focused on being courageous is the only option that I have. If I have daily reflection, and ask God each day to keep me focused and courageous, then I can persevere and drive even more success.
Complacency is not in the definition for courage. I am still very scared, but somehow it is not having the physical effect it had on me only a week ago.
I am doing more, seeking out help, and seeing that the small things that I am doing are having having a small -- but noticeable -- effect.
I think in my case, it is the basis for what so much else is depending, and which I need to keep focusing.
Because of the courage I have been utilizing this week, I have made some great strides. But, I am already getting complacent. I have not been on the blog in a few days, and my remembering to be courageous is waining. I wish that I could tattoo the word "courage" backwards across my forehead, so that I see it each time that I look in a mirror.
But daily reflection and keeping my mind focused on being courageous is the only option that I have. If I have daily reflection, and ask God each day to keep me focused and courageous, then I can persevere and drive even more success.
Complacency is not in the definition for courage. I am still very scared, but somehow it is not having the physical effect it had on me only a week ago.
I am doing more, seeking out help, and seeing that the small things that I am doing are having having a small -- but noticeable -- effect.
Thank God for my blessings
Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. Lucky that I have the base that I have for change, lucky that I have a good wife and beautiful children, lucky that although I have allowed my health to deteriorate, that I can still change much of it and regain some mobility. Lucky that I have a roof over my head and good food to eat. Blessed that I have a concept of God, that I know I can turn to a Higher Power in times of need, even if I cannot define who or what that Higher Power is. Safe in that I can come home at night, be with my family, and relax. I must train myself to do that, but it is there if I want it.
Today, my family and I are going to church to pray, to thank God, and to ask him to keep protecting and guiding us.
Today, my family and I are going to church to pray, to thank God, and to ask him to keep protecting and guiding us.
Everyting is all right; courage is the word
Just when I forget what I need to remember, the word and power of "courage" rears its magnificent head again.
Courage is the word. I have nothing to fear. There is nothing that can stop me from doing the most important things that I need to do. Nothing can prevent me from moving forward with purpose and direction.
I still have fear. I still have uncertainty. And yes, I still have doubts.
But now I have courage. And I know with absolute conviction that I can and will do everything, including moving heaven and earth, to make things right, and excel.
Courage is the word. I have nothing to fear. There is nothing that can stop me from doing the most important things that I need to do. Nothing can prevent me from moving forward with purpose and direction.
I still have fear. I still have uncertainty. And yes, I still have doubts.
But now I have courage. And I know with absolute conviction that I can and will do everything, including moving heaven and earth, to make things right, and excel.
Breaking free
Dear God:
I just want to say "thank you" for everything. Thank you for giving me a great opportunity. For my wife and my children, for each breath that I take, because sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it...but more about that later.
Thank you for carrying me for the past 10 years, just like you carried me in the poem about the "Footsteps." I know that in the times that were the most difficult for me, you were what held me up. I struggled, and struggled mightily. I look back and think about how bad it was, beat myself up over how I didn't perform. But how could I, when I was barely limping, and you were the one I was leaning on? I had one arm around you, and the other was busy with the task at hand. Certainly, I did not have an extra one to do all the work; it took all I had just to get through each day.
I am approaching the age of 50, and I know that there are a lot of people my age who have done more and different things with their lives; simply look at President-elect Obama. While I am not going to compare myself to those millions who have wasted their lives, I could have done a lot worse.
But all the tough times are now water under the bridge. Perhaps for the past 10 years I have been sick. I have been very angry at myself for some of the things I have done during the past 10 years, mostly as they relate to my business, and indirectly, to myself.
For those 10 years, I was overwhelmed. Overcome by what I was doing and needed to do. In despair, because once it started coming over me, I was awash in difficulty. I just couldn't handle it. For 10 years now, I have beaten myself up pretty badly. I have criticized myself, and hated myself, and harmed myself physically through action and neglect.
Was it the case that I was weak, or that my make-up is such that it was very difficult for me to deal with the stress? If I believe the former, then I would have to believe that somehow I intentionally and knowingly did this to myself and the ones I love. Why would I do that?
I am not so sure that it was something I did intentionally. I was never taught to handle stuff like that; although, I was taught how to handle it, but inappropriately. Look at the example of my parents and grandparents, and how I have reacted the way they reacted to adversity in their lives, and continue to react. Is it any wonder that I reacted the way I did?I reacted to the stress and anxiety the way I was taught, which was to react with emotion, hibernate, and not take care of myself. And in that matter, I did an excellent job.
But today is a new day. I do not have to hate myself for something that I had no control over, no more than a person with a disability can hate themselves for not being able to perform as a result of their handicap. I can allow myself to forgive myself for what I have done that was my fault. I can make change, full in the knowledge that at my age, change will be difficult. But change it can be.
I can allow myself to be courageous. To know that this new leg in my journey of life is scary and filled with many obstacles, both outside of myself and within my own head.
I am afraid. That I cannot deny. But I also know that now I have a great tool: Courage.
God, you have been with me. And you have given me this new tool to use to make my life better. I plan to make you proud. And I hope to make my Grandfather proud, so that he can look down on me and know that finally I am living the life that he envisioned for me, and will break free of the bonds that have held us both down for so long.
Signed, Me.
I just want to say "thank you" for everything. Thank you for giving me a great opportunity. For my wife and my children, for each breath that I take, because sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it...but more about that later.
Thank you for carrying me for the past 10 years, just like you carried me in the poem about the "Footsteps." I know that in the times that were the most difficult for me, you were what held me up. I struggled, and struggled mightily. I look back and think about how bad it was, beat myself up over how I didn't perform. But how could I, when I was barely limping, and you were the one I was leaning on? I had one arm around you, and the other was busy with the task at hand. Certainly, I did not have an extra one to do all the work; it took all I had just to get through each day.
I am approaching the age of 50, and I know that there are a lot of people my age who have done more and different things with their lives; simply look at President-elect Obama. While I am not going to compare myself to those millions who have wasted their lives, I could have done a lot worse.
But all the tough times are now water under the bridge. Perhaps for the past 10 years I have been sick. I have been very angry at myself for some of the things I have done during the past 10 years, mostly as they relate to my business, and indirectly, to myself.
For those 10 years, I was overwhelmed. Overcome by what I was doing and needed to do. In despair, because once it started coming over me, I was awash in difficulty. I just couldn't handle it. For 10 years now, I have beaten myself up pretty badly. I have criticized myself, and hated myself, and harmed myself physically through action and neglect.
Was it the case that I was weak, or that my make-up is such that it was very difficult for me to deal with the stress? If I believe the former, then I would have to believe that somehow I intentionally and knowingly did this to myself and the ones I love. Why would I do that?
I am not so sure that it was something I did intentionally. I was never taught to handle stuff like that; although, I was taught how to handle it, but inappropriately. Look at the example of my parents and grandparents, and how I have reacted the way they reacted to adversity in their lives, and continue to react. Is it any wonder that I reacted the way I did?I reacted to the stress and anxiety the way I was taught, which was to react with emotion, hibernate, and not take care of myself. And in that matter, I did an excellent job.
But today is a new day. I do not have to hate myself for something that I had no control over, no more than a person with a disability can hate themselves for not being able to perform as a result of their handicap. I can allow myself to forgive myself for what I have done that was my fault. I can make change, full in the knowledge that at my age, change will be difficult. But change it can be.
I can allow myself to be courageous. To know that this new leg in my journey of life is scary and filled with many obstacles, both outside of myself and within my own head.
I am afraid. That I cannot deny. But I also know that now I have a great tool: Courage.
God, you have been with me. And you have given me this new tool to use to make my life better. I plan to make you proud. And I hope to make my Grandfather proud, so that he can look down on me and know that finally I am living the life that he envisioned for me, and will break free of the bonds that have held us both down for so long.
Signed, Me.
Moving my cheese
Everywhere I turn, I see references to courage, fear, and doing things different.
Even in the small book I am reading, "Who moved my cheese?" there are references to courage.
Courage to break out of the rut, courage to seek out new ways of finding good things, courage to venture into the unknown, and courage to break through the fear.
The comfort level of my recent past is no longer there. I have lived for so long with the nail in my foot that I am to the point where I don't even notice it anymore. But now, that nail threatens to make my foot gangrenous, and ultimately, could prove deadly. But I am afraid to remove it, afraid of what might happen if it comes out, afraid of not knowing what I must do next.
I keep praying for courage. Yet inside I shake like a leaf. I don't know what to do, but if I keep asking for help from God and others, they hopefully will continue to show me the way to bust through this fear and find new cheese.
Even in the small book I am reading, "Who moved my cheese?" there are references to courage.
Courage to break out of the rut, courage to seek out new ways of finding good things, courage to venture into the unknown, and courage to break through the fear.
The comfort level of my recent past is no longer there. I have lived for so long with the nail in my foot that I am to the point where I don't even notice it anymore. But now, that nail threatens to make my foot gangrenous, and ultimately, could prove deadly. But I am afraid to remove it, afraid of what might happen if it comes out, afraid of not knowing what I must do next.
I keep praying for courage. Yet inside I shake like a leaf. I don't know what to do, but if I keep asking for help from God and others, they hopefully will continue to show me the way to bust through this fear and find new cheese.
A big pile of 'should'
I am really crapping all over myself today. I am beating the hell out of myself for what I have not done in the past few days, how in some areas I am progressing, and in some others I am not. So what do I do? I get myself feeling really down and depressed.
I am "shoulding" all over myself. I should have gotten up earlier; I should have exercised; I should have planned my day, I should have made this or that phone call or sent this or that letter. Frankly, I am sitting underneath a giant pile of "should."
Even now, as I write this, I am feeling depressed just because of how I am writing about myself. But I have to snap myself out of it, just decide that the past is the past, and start right now as if I am starting all over again. Give myself a break. Cut myself some slack. Realize that no one is perfect, and that I cannot expect perfection from myself.
The book, Who Moved My Cheese, is a great help to me. I got a lot of lessons out of it about regrets, fear, and courage. A few weeks ago, I was afraid that if I did not do something immediately, that I would fail miserably, so I acted and acted quickly. But the fear and self-doubt is catching up to me again, and I am beginning to get paralyzed by it. Not good.
I must look at the progress that I have made, and not just what I have not been perfect about.
Later this morning, I met with my mentor, and through discussions with him, I was able to understand that I have been behind the eight ball for a week, and there have been some things that might have landed me there: my wife's ER visit and subsequent doctor visit, the dismissal of an employee and subsequent dealings with the state unemployment board. That, coupled with having to run the business without an assistant, and it is no wonder that I am feeling frazzled.
But he gave me some great advice, told me that everyone is in the same boat, reminded me that I need to keep cutting expenses and increasing revenue, and basically just gave me a pep talk. Not to mention, having his director of HR spend some time with me, telling me how I need to deal with HR problems and laying people off.
Then, today, a very tough negotiation with a client, and how they basically want to rake us over the coals and get a lot for nothing. Very stressful. But, if we can at least keep them, then I feel a lot better.
Anyway, today is a tough day. But I am going to keep plugging away. I want to break past my fears. Remember when I was afraid and I eventually called a client anyway, and got some small bit of headway. That is what I must do now. At all costs. And be positive and upbeat about it.
What is the worst that can happen? Not much. My life is in God's hands, and even if this business fails, what do I have? I have my family, my wife, my daughters, my house, my hands, and my mind. I will survive. Better than that, I will survive and thrive.
Because I know that if I keep digging long enough in that pile of "should," there will be a pony in there somewhere.
I am "shoulding" all over myself. I should have gotten up earlier; I should have exercised; I should have planned my day, I should have made this or that phone call or sent this or that letter. Frankly, I am sitting underneath a giant pile of "should."
Even now, as I write this, I am feeling depressed just because of how I am writing about myself. But I have to snap myself out of it, just decide that the past is the past, and start right now as if I am starting all over again. Give myself a break. Cut myself some slack. Realize that no one is perfect, and that I cannot expect perfection from myself.
The book, Who Moved My Cheese, is a great help to me. I got a lot of lessons out of it about regrets, fear, and courage. A few weeks ago, I was afraid that if I did not do something immediately, that I would fail miserably, so I acted and acted quickly. But the fear and self-doubt is catching up to me again, and I am beginning to get paralyzed by it. Not good.
I must look at the progress that I have made, and not just what I have not been perfect about.
Later this morning, I met with my mentor, and through discussions with him, I was able to understand that I have been behind the eight ball for a week, and there have been some things that might have landed me there: my wife's ER visit and subsequent doctor visit, the dismissal of an employee and subsequent dealings with the state unemployment board. That, coupled with having to run the business without an assistant, and it is no wonder that I am feeling frazzled.
But he gave me some great advice, told me that everyone is in the same boat, reminded me that I need to keep cutting expenses and increasing revenue, and basically just gave me a pep talk. Not to mention, having his director of HR spend some time with me, telling me how I need to deal with HR problems and laying people off.
Then, today, a very tough negotiation with a client, and how they basically want to rake us over the coals and get a lot for nothing. Very stressful. But, if we can at least keep them, then I feel a lot better.
Anyway, today is a tough day. But I am going to keep plugging away. I want to break past my fears. Remember when I was afraid and I eventually called a client anyway, and got some small bit of headway. That is what I must do now. At all costs. And be positive and upbeat about it.
What is the worst that can happen? Not much. My life is in God's hands, and even if this business fails, what do I have? I have my family, my wife, my daughters, my house, my hands, and my mind. I will survive. Better than that, I will survive and thrive.
Because I know that if I keep digging long enough in that pile of "should," there will be a pony in there somewhere.
What in the hell is going on here?
I have had one hell of a week. Thoughts of suicide rampant, overeating, fighting and resentment with my wife, fighting with my daughter, the business is back into it old ways with me not being involved, just bascially being there and playing iwht email and the internet.
Boy, if this doesn't get me depressed, I don't know what will.
First, let me ask myself about why I am behaving in a way that I wouild ocnsider less than responsible? Self, why are you doing this?
Well, sir, it is because that is the way you were taught, and your genes are set up so that you stress and suffer anxiety. First, no one -- and I mean NO ONE -- ever taught you how to completely deal with life on life's terms. So, you are still going through life acting the same way you did whenever you used to medicate with drugs and alcohol. Now, you live in denail, obsfucation and using food as a drug. So, we shall say that you are dealing with a disease, and one that you can probably overcome.
Second, you are only looking at the negatives, and not at any of the positives that you have accomplished.
Can we take a look at what some of those positives are? Certainly.
Allow me to list them numerically, in no certain order or chronology, just things that you have done right lately.
1. cut expenses for the business by about $15,000 per month, through things like staff reductions, production and mailing changes (finding new vendors) pay cut for yourself and key staff, lowering insurance expenses as a result of staff reductions, cancelling the cleaingin service, getting rid of frivilous items.
2. cut home expenses by keeping up to date with my wife, asking her to cut expenses in the face of lower income, and by some strange miracle, we are actually putting money in our savings account.
3. got rid of a bad employee that was not doing us any good in the front office
4. made inroads by cutting time in half for an employee that is also a relative, but who must go
5. starting to meet with a 'mentor' who got me to do a few things, that might actually be saving my company
6. made some contacts with some clients, and with some prospects, to hopefully get some new business and keep the business that we have
7. developed some courage to fight the fears that I have
8. went to jack's funeral to pay respects to a dear friend
9. cleaned the basement
10. got my motorcycle partially stored for the winter
11. visited with my sister and her daughter for thanksgiving
12. continue to pray to God, even though it is hard as hell sometimes
13. tryign to get an understanding of jesus, that I might use him as my personal savior, to get me out of the mental, physical and financial mess that I am in
14. spoke with a national consultant about what I am experiencing with my business
15. created schedules for my family and me for the weekends
16. took my wife's car in for service
17. got a dog for our family that everyone -- including me -- loves
18. continued my subscription to weight watchers
19. started to use the library a bit more responsibly to avoid huge penalties
20. took care of one of my dental problems
So what should I do from here on? Well, consider these suggestions:
1. have courage in the face of your fear; do not let fear paralyze you. Just act without thinking too much; inaction is what is going to be your downfall
2. quit procrastinating; just act
3. allow God to guide my thoughts and my actions
4. plan, plan and then plan again
5. remember how well life went when i did the first four things mentioned above
Boy, if this doesn't get me depressed, I don't know what will.
First, let me ask myself about why I am behaving in a way that I wouild ocnsider less than responsible? Self, why are you doing this?
Well, sir, it is because that is the way you were taught, and your genes are set up so that you stress and suffer anxiety. First, no one -- and I mean NO ONE -- ever taught you how to completely deal with life on life's terms. So, you are still going through life acting the same way you did whenever you used to medicate with drugs and alcohol. Now, you live in denail, obsfucation and using food as a drug. So, we shall say that you are dealing with a disease, and one that you can probably overcome.
Second, you are only looking at the negatives, and not at any of the positives that you have accomplished.
Can we take a look at what some of those positives are? Certainly.
Allow me to list them numerically, in no certain order or chronology, just things that you have done right lately.
1. cut expenses for the business by about $15,000 per month, through things like staff reductions, production and mailing changes (finding new vendors) pay cut for yourself and key staff, lowering insurance expenses as a result of staff reductions, cancelling the cleaingin service, getting rid of frivilous items.
2. cut home expenses by keeping up to date with my wife, asking her to cut expenses in the face of lower income, and by some strange miracle, we are actually putting money in our savings account.
3. got rid of a bad employee that was not doing us any good in the front office
4. made inroads by cutting time in half for an employee that is also a relative, but who must go
5. starting to meet with a 'mentor' who got me to do a few things, that might actually be saving my company
6. made some contacts with some clients, and with some prospects, to hopefully get some new business and keep the business that we have
7. developed some courage to fight the fears that I have
8. went to jack's funeral to pay respects to a dear friend
9. cleaned the basement
10. got my motorcycle partially stored for the winter
11. visited with my sister and her daughter for thanksgiving
12. continue to pray to God, even though it is hard as hell sometimes
13. tryign to get an understanding of jesus, that I might use him as my personal savior, to get me out of the mental, physical and financial mess that I am in
14. spoke with a national consultant about what I am experiencing with my business
15. created schedules for my family and me for the weekends
16. took my wife's car in for service
17. got a dog for our family that everyone -- including me -- loves
18. continued my subscription to weight watchers
19. started to use the library a bit more responsibly to avoid huge penalties
20. took care of one of my dental problems
So what should I do from here on? Well, consider these suggestions:
1. have courage in the face of your fear; do not let fear paralyze you. Just act without thinking too much; inaction is what is going to be your downfall
2. quit procrastinating; just act
3. allow God to guide my thoughts and my actions
4. plan, plan and then plan again
5. remember how well life went when i did the first four things mentioned above
Acceptance
God spoke to me.
I can't say it any more simply or plainly. He came to me, told me I would hear from him in a dream, and instead he spoke to me through my daughter's dream.
I have no choice now but to believe.
I have asked for years for a sign from God. He gave me many, and most of the time I was able to explain them away. Perhaps they really weren't signs. Perhaps they were just coincidences.
But this was not chance. I cannot explain this away. It would be a script for a TV show about something that is too impossible to just be coincidence.
Now that I really believe, I truly do feel different. I don't feel the barrier to understanding that it is possible that God came to this earth to be with us in Jesus Christ, and that I can look to the concrete acts and words from him. Somehow, I feel him in my heart. I cannot explain it. It is like I feel consumed by him. I feel hope that things can change. I feel strength, and peace, comfort.
I feel different every morning. I no longer feel like I want to die when I open my eyes. While everything has not turned around 180 degrees, there are changes, and they are changes only for the better.
If I was unsure before if God was in my heart, I am sure of it now.
I can't say it any more simply or plainly. He came to me, told me I would hear from him in a dream, and instead he spoke to me through my daughter's dream.
I have no choice now but to believe.
I have asked for years for a sign from God. He gave me many, and most of the time I was able to explain them away. Perhaps they really weren't signs. Perhaps they were just coincidences.
But this was not chance. I cannot explain this away. It would be a script for a TV show about something that is too impossible to just be coincidence.
Now that I really believe, I truly do feel different. I don't feel the barrier to understanding that it is possible that God came to this earth to be with us in Jesus Christ, and that I can look to the concrete acts and words from him. Somehow, I feel him in my heart. I cannot explain it. It is like I feel consumed by him. I feel hope that things can change. I feel strength, and peace, comfort.
I feel different every morning. I no longer feel like I want to die when I open my eyes. While everything has not turned around 180 degrees, there are changes, and they are changes only for the better.
If I was unsure before if God was in my heart, I am sure of it now.
Change with courage
The past month has been difficult. I have not written. I have gone downhill. I have stresses on my that are immense. I fight with Tammy. I get advice from Chip. I talk about stuff with Craig. I eat more.
But I know that things will change. I must continue to have courage. To persevere.
I know that my new faith in Jesus is going to help. And I believe that it will help with my relationship with Tammy,and with the girls, and with my life overall.
I learned today what it is that I want from Tammy. She keeps fighting me over my assertion during the past year that we must work together for change, and that she really doesn't want to change with me. I keep asking a lot from her. I never knew what that was.
But today, in the parking lot of her work, when I yelled out to her that I want her help, I understood what it was. I need her forgiveness, her patience, her support and her cooperation.
None of those is going to come easily. She doesn't like me, and hasn't liked me for a long time. I know that I am asking a lot of her. But if we both genuinely want change, and if we are to stay together, and if we want a good life together, then that is what I must have from her.
I will have to put a lot into it also. In fact, I must put in exactly the same things that I am asking from her. I must forgive her and be less judgmental and critical; I must be patient for the change and for her forgiveness; I must support her 100% instead of trying to control her; and I must cooperate with her in her journey to be more mature and responsible.
We can do this. I know that we can. I want more from life, and I want it with her. With God's help, with courage to push ahead, and with hard, thoughtful work, we can have more from life, and have it abundantly.
But I know that things will change. I must continue to have courage. To persevere.
I know that my new faith in Jesus is going to help. And I believe that it will help with my relationship with Tammy,and with the girls, and with my life overall.
I learned today what it is that I want from Tammy. She keeps fighting me over my assertion during the past year that we must work together for change, and that she really doesn't want to change with me. I keep asking a lot from her. I never knew what that was.
But today, in the parking lot of her work, when I yelled out to her that I want her help, I understood what it was. I need her forgiveness, her patience, her support and her cooperation.
None of those is going to come easily. She doesn't like me, and hasn't liked me for a long time. I know that I am asking a lot of her. But if we both genuinely want change, and if we are to stay together, and if we want a good life together, then that is what I must have from her.
I will have to put a lot into it also. In fact, I must put in exactly the same things that I am asking from her. I must forgive her and be less judgmental and critical; I must be patient for the change and for her forgiveness; I must support her 100% instead of trying to control her; and I must cooperate with her in her journey to be more mature and responsible.
We can do this. I know that we can. I want more from life, and I want it with her. With God's help, with courage to push ahead, and with hard, thoughtful work, we can have more from life, and have it abundantly.
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