Breaking free

Dear God:

I just want to say "thank you" for everything. Thank you for giving me a great opportunity. For my wife and my children, for each breath that I take, because sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it...but more about that later.

Thank you for carrying me for the past 10 years, just like you carried me in the poem about the "Footsteps." I know that in the times that were the most difficult for me, you were what held me up. I struggled, and struggled mightily. I look back and think about how bad it was, beat myself up over how I didn't perform. But how could I, when I was barely limping, and you were the one I was leaning on? I had one arm around you, and the other was busy with the task at hand. Certainly, I did not have an extra one to do all the work; it took all I had just to get through each day.

I am approaching the age of 50, and I know that there are a lot of people my age who have done more and different things with their lives; simply look at President-elect Obama. While I am not going to compare myself to those millions who have wasted their lives, I could have done a lot worse.

But all the tough times are now water under the bridge. Perhaps for the past 10 years I have been sick. I have been very angry at myself for some of the things I have done during the past 10 years, mostly as they relate to my business, and indirectly, to myself.

For those 10 years, I was overwhelmed. Overcome by what I was doing and needed to do. In despair, because once it started coming over me, I was awash in difficulty. I just couldn't handle it. For 10 years now, I have beaten myself up pretty badly. I have criticized myself, and hated myself, and harmed myself physically through action and neglect.

Was it the case that I was weak, or that my make-up is such that it was very difficult for me to deal with the stress? If I believe the former, then I would have to believe that somehow I intentionally and knowingly did this to myself and the ones I love. Why would I do that?

I am not so sure that it was something I did intentionally. I was never taught to handle stuff like that; although, I was taught how to handle it, but inappropriately. Look at the example of my parents and grandparents, and how I have reacted the way they reacted to adversity in their lives, and continue to react. Is it any wonder that I reacted the way I did?I reacted to the stress and anxiety the way I was taught, which was to react with emotion, hibernate, and not take care of myself. And in that matter, I did an excellent job.

But today is a new day. I do not have to hate myself for something that I had no control over, no more than a person with a disability can hate themselves for not being able to perform as a result of their handicap. I can allow myself to forgive myself for what I have done that was my fault. I can make change, full in the knowledge that at my age, change will be difficult. But change it can be.

I can allow myself to be courageous. To know that this new leg in my journey of life is scary and filled with many obstacles, both outside of myself and within my own head.

I am afraid. That I cannot deny. But I also know that now I have a great tool: Courage.

God, you have been with me. And you have given me this new tool to use to make my life better. I plan to make you proud. And I hope to make my Grandfather proud, so that he can look down on me and know that finally I am living the life that he envisioned for me, and will break free of the bonds that have held us both down for so long.

Signed, Me.